My Island

Today has been kind of a bummer. Do not get me wrong, finding out yesterday that I didn't have any rejection was AWESOME news! But..today, I don't know if I'm experience survivor's guilt, or loneliness, or just too much time on my hands. I feel like I'm stuck on a island.
This island consists of TV, my bed, and my two dogs. It is way too hot outside to exercise or walk the dogs, and I'm beyond sick of TV...My dogs are fun, but guess what-I'm a clean freak...so as much fun as we have, I end up cleaning it all up after.
I clean as much as I'm allowed to(with my mask on, please don't panic) and I never reach or lift if I cannot or think its too much. I've gotten extra careful since the wire in my chest poking through is a consistant reminder of the fact that I've just had invasive surgery almost 7 weeks ago. I've also filed everything there could be to filed, I've made multiple checklists and completed all of them. Now what?
I cannot drive, and everyone I know works all day (like I wish I could) so no one is around to come over. And I feel awful saying "come over-play with me" lol...So I'm stuck on my island, waiting for Jon to get home. The driving issue I'm hoping will resolve real soon, as I've been down to taking my pain med once a day (wahoo!) and just using the Fentynal patch. I'm scared to give it up though. Really scared. If I give that up and I hurt, then I switch to meds, then I'll get stopped up, then I get the stomachaches-which means laxtives. See, I told you I have a pill to run all mechanical operations of my body! =)
I don't dare say I'm depressed, or don't feel loved. Because if anything its opposite. I'm so loved, and the only down side to the ones I love (or me-depending on how you look at it) is that I live VERY far away from them. It stinks. I don't miss Gainesville, I miss the people. I love Leesburg...and I love the people I've made friends with here-but I don't see them like I'd like too.
And my donor family. I'm having trouble coming to terms with some issues in a different way then I think most transplant patients do. I can't ever imagine that these lungs weren't mine. Yet I know they were someone else's. They helped someone else say "I love you" to someone, but I cannot connect it that way. And I feel guilty for not feeling more sadness for the donor. I do truly feel pain for the family, I've lost so many friends and family-I know how it hurts. And in a way, I think that the donor is okay now, so its ok not to feel too much. That the donor would prefer to not be the way they were before. Yet, I'm guessing-I know absoultely nothing of them. I almost wish I knew them before. I want to know what they liked, hated, did for fun. Did they have brothers and sisters? How old were they? What was their favorite food? Maybe I don't need to know that stuff too, because this is the next journey in the lung's life. This is where God feels they belong now. And as I've said before, and I mean with all my heart, is that I will do my best to carry the honor of the donor and try and make them and his/her family proud. I will do what ever it takes, I want them to know I am grateful.
I apologize for the rambling, but my thoughts have gotten so jumbled, because I'm not sure what I think anymore. I know I'm grateful. I know I love the donor family and my donor. I know I want to live life as much and great as possible. And I know I can love deeply and I know I'm ready to give it all.
This weekend is busy, which I love since my weekdays are a bore usually. Maybe getting some air and time with my hubby will help my mind calm down a bit. Until then, I'm going to go do a little praying, play with the dogs, and wait for my knight-in-shining armor to come give me a hug =)
PS-A few hours after writing this, I realized I was 2 days late on changing my Fentynal patch!! I also have only been taking my pain pill once a day since...Guess I'm doing better than I thought! WAHHHOOOO