dirty little secret

So the last 2 months since I've blogged a lot seems to have happened. December 9th I had the ever-so-dreaded sinus surgery. I had a polyp party in my nose it seems, and it had been brewing for 10+ years. Not surprised. And the surgery was pretty tough too-again, not surprised. Doc basically goes in and rotor rooter's the insides, followed by 2 visits where he does the same with me wide awake. It was not so pleasant. The worst part was, I made a horrible mistake in taking the medications he prescribed to me without first consulting my CF clinic. I was resistant to one of them (causing unwarranted kidney damage) and the other is a contraindication of my anti-rejection meds. In my meager defense, I was referred to this physician by the transplant team, therefore I assumed he knew what to do with CF post-tx patients. As my dad has always said "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me." ugh.
Well by the end of December my smell was starting to return, allowing me to enjoy the glorious smell of the Christmas tree at my in-laws. I got to smell all the great food they made, which made tasting it even better! We had my niece,nephew,sister and brother-in-law, my husband and I, and my Jewish parents for Christmas dinner at my in-laws. It was very special to me-to have the whole family (minus my NC Kennens') together. This was a holiday I was told I wouldn't have seen without my new lungs-but I can't imagine missing it.
As far as secrets go, some of my meds have secretly been damaging my insides. I figured how exactly a little after Christmas time, when I noticed my hair was becoming even more thin, and I could see my scalp in almost double the spots than before. I'm balding. My hair is not falling out, but not growing back. Every time I brush it, and loose 10 strands of hair, those hairs are not coming back. This led to a mild depression. Your hair as a woman is part of what makes you a woman. I had to resign to the nature of the beast, and I bought a wig. Yes, its quick; I can change my hairstyle easy; and I don't have to wash it everyday-but it isn't me. At home I don't even let my husband see me without a bandanna on my head-I've become embarrassed over something I have no control over. When I went to the doc on Monday though, he gave me slightly good news. This happens to a lot of post transplant patients in the first year. He said the meds basically cause the hair follicles to close off and stop growth, and the thinning is hand in hand with it. So now, I guess I wait. I've been given ideas as to what to do until my hair decides to come back-but some of them are beyond difficult to face. I never knew I was so attached-I knew I had some vanity-but not an emotional attachment. I guess its another choice I was left to make-breathe or have hair. Of course, breathing has definitely trumped all.